I shared on my last blog post a lot about letting go of control and my journey in doing so. Letting go of control isn’t something that happens overnight, but something that you practice each and everyday until you have rewired your brain to operate from a place of trust instead of fear. From a low vibration to a high vibration, knowing both fear and love can’t exist at the same time. Choose love :) With that being said, I wanted to share today how this process of letting go of fear has impacted my fitness and wellness routine.
Control for me was about myself and that manifested into me controlling the food I was putting into my body and how much I was working out. Running and yoga were an outlet for me to feel good not only on the outside but on the inside. It was an escape from the outside world and opportunity for me to be alone, which I love so deeply. A fitness routine after being an athlete just looked very different, there was no one telling you what to do, how to do it or when to do it. What I did know, was that I was incredibly unhappy in how I looked after my swimming career ended and I knew something needed to shift. I turned to running and hot yoga shortly after I recovered from shoulder surgery and became addicted instantly. I was addicted to the endorphins, the way I looked physically, the confidence I gained and the way the outside world responded to me. What started as an outlet for me, quickly grew into something that my life revolved around. I was not missing a workout, I was eating insanely healthy, and I was operating at an extremely low body fat. At the time, I don’t think I realized it was restrictive because I never counted calories (I never have that felt to far), but I did eliminate certain foods from my diet because they were “unhealthy”. This went on for a few years, all throughout most of my college days, I loosened up a lot on food, but I was still very dedicated to an intense workout routine. My obsession was driven by a need to control what I put into my body and what I burned off, because of the events in my life that had occurred I couldn’t control. I didn’t recognize that at the time, but now that I am out of it, I can fully accept that my actions were a result of past events in my life. I don’t want to label that part of my life as good or bad because it wasn’t, it led me to find health and wellness which has completely transformed my life, but it also made me recognize patterns in my life that needed to change if I wanted to ever be happy and free.
My journey with fitness has gone through many lifetimes, LOL, but I find that where I am today feels the most balanced it has ever been, because of meditation. I awakened enough to give myself the mental space and permission to let go of the cycle of working out to burn off something I ate or to burn off calories before I dove into the next big meal. ( I LOVE food ask anyone, so giving up food was just never part of my plan). When I think back to how this all happened, the first thing that came to me was time, patience and a lot of letting go. Letting go of what I think it needs to look like, letting go of how I should look, and letting go of part of my worth being in my physical body. I gave myself the space every day, time and permission to just BE who I wanted to be. I ignored the noise around me, unfollowed people on social media who I knew were not serving me (I promise this works) and I focused on the people, things, and places that made me feel most grounded and rooted in who I was. I will also say, which I NEVER thought I would say in my entire life lol, that entering the relationship I am in now has also catapulted me into a new dimension of love and surrender I never thought was possible. I am no longer miss independent (well I am just in a different sense). I now care so deeply for someone else that is not about just me anymore, and my workouts and my food, but there is someone else who I want to share life with that is more important than how much I worked out that day.
But how Erin? How can I actually let go? How can I release control around food, my workout routine, etc? You just DO. You make a choice right now that you are no longer going to subscribe to that mindset. You are going to meditate for 5 minutes tomorrow, journal about how you want to feel and make a different choice. You have control over your life, you can decide right now to eat a piece of pizza, do yoga instead of barrys, or open up your mind to a new way of being. It’s all in our choices, that you have the power over. Never stop believing in the power of small steps towards the life you imagine. It’s taken me years to get to this place, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Keep going, it only gets better.